A letter to Eating Disorder Parents on Parent Appreciation Day
Being a parent of a child with a strong eating disorder is one of the most difficult things I have observed in my many years of working with children of all ages. I have worked in preschools with infants and toddlers from all different background, in summer camps at the YMCA, in multiple children’s hospitals with children suffering from a range of diagnosis- in all this, I have seen many challenges that parents face and my heart goes out to all parent’s dealing with any childhood struggle or diagnosis. That said, it wasn’t until my work with severe eating disorders that my heart grew for the parents who dedicate their lives, time, money, energy and love to a child with anorexia nervosa. I have worked in higher levels of care (Partial Hospitalization Program) with adolescent eating disorders in Columbus, Ohio for years and I have met many parents who have taught me so much as a clinician that I didn’t learn in graduate school.
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Parents of children or teens with anorexia nervosa or other eating disorders, such as ARFID or Bulimia Nervosa, experience a unique struggle that parents of children with other diagnosis don’t face- Stigma. Now parents of children with anxiety, depression and suicidality also face this stigma, but it is becoming more accepted and supported in our society. Eating disorders carry with them a long history of shame & stigma in society. Even as we become more “mental health friendly” and spread awareness and education on children’s mental health, eating disorders are often left out of that conversation and remain hidden in the homes of millions of families across the nation. Eating Disorders carry a stereotype of “oh I could get them to eat” or “just make them eat” or my “favorite”, “I wish I had that problem” with a pat on their stomach. How disempowering! How discouraging and offensive those comments must feel to parents who are battling the most deadly mental health diagnosis there is. How much these comments and this ignorance must make them want to continue the silence around eating disorders and hide their struggles from friends and family. In all of this, I have seen it be so challenging for parents to find a support system and people who will try to understand. I have seen families who can’t find support within their own extended family or closest friends- the people who love them most can’t get past society’s perception of eating disorders or diet culture to be there for the ones they love when they need it most.
Through all of these challenges, I have seen parents soldier on.
I have seen many parents take time away from their jobs and careers, often times going on leave. I have seen them sacrifice vacations, holidays, hobbies and self-care time in order to be there for their child in need. I have seen parents endure yelling, screaming, running away, throwing things and much more with love and compassion and patience through it all.
Parents of children with eating disorders have to endure not only the fear that comes with a physical illness, sometimes hospitalizations, bed rest, heart concerns, and feeding tubes, but also extreme anger from the eating disorder that causes their child to lash out against them and siblings in hurtful ways.
They see their once pleasant, happy child turn into a whole different person, what seems like overnight. I can only imagine how heartbreaking and difficult that must be.
The emotional toll eating disorders take on parents is only one side of the coin.
On the other side is the constant care and supervision that a sick child requires. Many parents tell me, “it’s like having a toddler again. As soon as I’m done making one meal, its on to the next. I can’t turn my back or leave her alone for a second because she will engage in a behavior”. Children and adolescents with eating disorders need intensive eating disorder treatment. They require multiple appointments a week typically, with therapists, doctors, dietitians and psychiatrists. They usually require supervision during meals and sometimes 24/7 supervision. Often, parents are asked to prepare 3 meals and 3 snacks per day. It is not only mentally draining, it is time consuming, leaving little time for anything else.
What I want to convey in this letter, as a healthcare provider, is my respect and admiration for the parents who devote everything to help their child get better.
It is a noble and at times thankless task, but it is worth it. When a former patient goes off to college or back into sports, I can see that all the hard work the family put in has paid off. Life can return to “normal” and you can have your child back. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. I want parents who haven’t been thanked for their hard work to know they are appreciated. I appreciate all parents raising kids with eating disorders. Teenagers are difficult and teenagers with anorexia nervosa can be intense and strong willed.
I encourage parents raising children with eating disorders to practice self-care and self-compassion. For all the reasons mentioned above, I know self-care can be next to impossible. Prioritize it. Reach out to your community for support in making time for yourself. Take a sliver of time, even if it’s five minutes and do something just for you. And don’t for a minute let yourself feel guilty. Caregiver burnout is the number one leading cause of relapse in adolescent eating disorder treatment. So it’s not only for you, it’s also for your child. In addition to self-care, practice self-compassion. Give yourself the grace you give to your children and friends. Allow yourself to be less than perfect, because you are a human, doing the best you can with what you have at any given moment. Treat yourself how you would treat a close friend- with kindness and compassion.
In closing, I want to say again, thank you to all the parents putting in the hard work and long hours. All the parents messing up, getting it wrong, being human and trying again the next day. All the parents who are brave and strong enough to fight for their child, even when it’s with me. I appreciate your drive and your commitment. I appreciate your capacity for love. I appreciate your openness to learning something new and sometimes learning a completely different way to look at health, bodies and the world. I appreciate all of the unlearning that comes with full eating disorder recovery in families. Don’t give up hope and reach out for the help you need.
Eating Disorders do not go away on their own- they require help from a professional therapist and a strong support team of parents, loved ones, dietitians and doctors. Inquire on my website today for more information on eating disorder treatment in Columbus, Ohio and to get started with your child’s eating disorder treatment today.
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This blog is intended to be educational and informational and does not substitute for professional medical and therapeutic help, which is highly recommended when treating an eating disorder. If you would like help treating your child’s eating issues or want to learn more, Schedule a free consultation call today.