Thanksgiving can be full of difficult situations to navigate when your child has an eating disorder- from food choices, meal plans, seating arrangements and timing- there are a million things to consider to make sure the day is set up to go as smoothly as possible. Check out this blog post for help with the logistical questions and how to plan for success when your child or teen is in eating disorder recovery. Even if you spend weeks planning every detail in order to ensure a smooth and successful holiday, it is almost inevitable that a family member will say something triggering that can turn the whole day on it’s head and upend all of your detailed preplanning. This post is not so much about the meal, but another very important part of Thanksgiving: what we discuss around the dinner table.

Even before an eating disorder was a consideration in your family, I can bet you have some strong memories of insulting, hurtful, upsetting or just rude comments being made by family members at Thanksgiving. This is life- when we bring people from different generations, backgrounds, and different life experiences together for a long period of time, there are bound to be some hurt feelings (hopefully unintentional, though Holidays can be times ripe with family conflict that has been brewing). Typically, we handle this by ignoring it, brushing it off, arguing back, and generally moving on either that day or venting to our loved ones once we get home and decompress. As you know if you have a teen or child in eating disorder treatment, you will know that comments aren’t easily brushed off and arguing at the table is something you are probably desperately trying to avoid daily, especially when surrounded by extended family. So just as food, timing, plating, and meal plan require extra planning on Thanksgiving, so do conversation topics and what-not-to-say guidelines.

 

For some, this might be something you’ve already discussed with family because they are involved with eating disorder treatment or you’ve had family meals together since beginning eating disorder treatment with your teen. For others, family might not know about the eating disorder and you might not want them to know! Whether this be due to complicated family relationships or lack of understanding or fear of them saying something that makes it worse. Families not knowing about the eating disorder can make Thanksgiving trickier, but we can still navigate it with a plan. Here are some tips for Dads or siblings who want more help on how to support a loved one with an eating disorder. For your child or teen with an eating disorder, here are some grounding skills they can use during the meal.

 

Option #1- Communicating to family ahead of time

 

If we are going to ask family members or friends to change their behavior (i.e., avoid politics, diet talk, etc.), it might be helpful to give them a heads up, along with an explanation. This does not mean you have to disclose your child’s eating disorder, or disclose it in detail. It does not mean you have to answer questions about your child’s illness or their treatment. It ESPECIALLY does not mean you have to listen to their opinion or advice on what you should do. (Does, “Give them to me, I’ll get them to eat” sound familiar? If so, I’m sorry!)

 

I advise sending a text or email to attendees to give them time to understand and digest the information, without giving them much opportunity to ask you too many questions and giving you time and space to decide if you want to respond.  You can also tell the host and ask that they pass this message along to others. I would advise following up to make sure this happens. With this option, there is always risk that the message does not get communicated clearly.

 

Here are some examples of what to say in the intro: 

-“Hello everyone! I’m looking forward to seeing you and spending a peaceful holiday together”

-You can chose to disclose this request is for your child or you can just use your voice to make the request: “My child is experiencing a challenge in life right now and a way you can support us is to adhere to the below request for conversation topics:”

OR

“Due to some difficult situations our family is navigating right now, it would really mean a lot to us if you could help us by sticking to the talking points below”

It is also helpful to let family know if you are willing to talk or answer questions. I.e.,

“I’m not ready to talk about it further right now, so I request that you don’t ask questions”

 

Talking points

We want Thanksgiving to be a fun and enjoyable holiday for all involved! We aren’t trying to make people feel like they are walking on eggshells or that they must tip-toe around conversation. Typically in eating disorder recovery there are only a few things we need them to avoid discussing:

-Diets or diet culture

-Food, calories, fat content or comments about food in relation to body size/shape

-Body image comments or exercise comments

 

While it is only 3 small things, you would be amazed how often people talk about these things, especially at holiday meals. It can be helpful to offer other topics to discuss in addition to the things you would prefer they don’t discuss.

 

Here are examples of how to word this request:

-”Please avoid discussion of body image, weight, calories, or numbers related to food/body in general. Avoid talk about food being “fattening” or “unhealthy”.

-”Please avoid comments about “burning the meal off” or earning food; “good thing I ran that 5K this morning”.

-”Please avoid commenting on other’s appearance: “you look great” or “you lost weight” or “you’re getting so big”. Try commenting on how happy you are to see them.”

 

There are a lot of things we look forward to discussing! Here are some we are excited to talk about:

-The Ohio State Buckeyes football team!

-The science fair project

-The family genealogy project (insert name) is working on

-Cousin Heather’s Trip to Italy

-Grandma’s card making club

-Grandpa’s physical therapy progress

-The new puppy!

-Cousin Libby’s new promotion!

-Cousin Steve’s new baby

-Cousin Tim’s life in a new city- what are their favorite spots?

-The best show we’ve watched recently

-Our current favorite artist

 

The list can go on and on! Get creative.

 

 

If reaching out beforehand isn’t for you, there is another approach.

Option 2# Games

You can create cards or use games during the meal to keep conversation away from touchy subjects. The downside to this approach is that comments about food and body image can still be made before and after the meal. The upside is you don’t have to disclose anything about your teen’s eating disorder to family and reduce the risk of them sharing opinions or asking questions.

 

Ideas for this can be:

 

Grateful

-Leave a faux pumpkin or faux leaves and permanent markers on the table

-Ask everyone to write down something (or multiple things) they are grateful for

-Pass them around, everyone reads one and people guess who’s it is

 

Peak and Pit

-Everyone goes around the table and shares their “Pit”- the lowest point in their year, followed by their “Peak” -the best part of their year. This can be a great way to talk about difficult things that have happened, while also forcing people to reflect on the year and find something they are truly grateful for

 

Would You Rather?

 

-Search the internet for family appropriate “would you rather” questions and print them out onto paper. Cut them into strips and leave them scattered through the center of the table. Everyone takes a turn asking a question and everyone answers. This is a fun, silly, light game to play and get everyone involved and laughing without too much difficulty. You can even get your kids to help you make them up! They can even be Thanksgiving themed!

The most important part of asking family to avoid topics that could be triggering is to come from a place of love and seeking support. It can be very difficult to ask for help and it can be easy to think that family will be upset and not follow our request- this is totally possible. And I encourage you to have an open mind and assume the best from your family- they just might surprise you.

Navigating teen eating disorder treatment during the holidays can be daunting. If you need help along your journey, please reach out to schedule a free consultation call.

This post has been updated by Heather Allen, LPCC-S of Eating Disorder Therapy Ohio. She is an adolescent and teen eating disorder therapist in Columbus, Ohio serving Dublin, Ohio, Powell, Ohio, Bexley, Ohio, Worthington, Ohio and Westerville, Ohio in person in Bridge Park Dublin. She also serves teens and adolescents with eating disorders and body image issues located throughout Ohio from Cleveland, Ohio to Cincinnati, Ohio via virtual appointments.

DISCLAIMER: The advice on this blog is for entertainment purposes only and is not indented to be medical or therapeutic advice.