Eating Disorders: What Dads Can Do to Help
What is a father’s role in eating disorder treatment?
On this Father’s Day, we’re talking about a topic that is close to your heart- your precious children. Through my work with families I have seen the full spectrum of engagement from Fathers; the Dads who are fully engaged, involved and 100% invested in eating disorder recovery and the Dads who have no idea what an eating disorder is or how to help their child, even though they want to. This blog is to give some pointers and advice for Dads with children who may be suffering from an eating disorder, or just disordered eating or body image issues. This is for Dads with children in treatment, recovery, or just noticing some concerning behaviors from their child. Schedule a free consultation call.
1. Be there
The first and most important thing Dads can do to help their child with eating concerns is to just show up and be present. I don’t mean just “be there for your child”, though that is important, it is likely that in the beginning of discussion about eating concerns, your child will not want to talk to you. They will likely be isolating more and opening up less due to the stress the eating disorder is putting on them 24/7. So when I say be there, I mean be involved. Reach out to resources, coworkers, friends and ask for help. Find professionals in the community and get your child evaluated. Take them to their pediatrician for a checkup. Go to their therapist and ask to join a session to discuss your concerns.
When your child does get an evaluation or appointment with an eating disorder professional, take time off work and show up to be present. Even if your child’s Mother is free and going to the appointment, make sure you go as well. This shows your child #1- I am concerned about you, #2-I want to get you help and I am going to be part of the solution to helping you get better and #3- I take this eating disorder very seriously and it is not something I am going to brush off, forget about, or let go unnoticed because I value your mental and physical health and wellbeing. Often times, when fathers are not present at the initial appointment or are busy working, I see that affecting patients. It can send a message that this eating disorder is not a big enough deal for me to take off work, so the child thinks, “my Dad doesn’t even think I’m sick, why should I bother showing up to treatment or putting any effort in?”. When I see both parents take treatment seriously and commit, I see children who do better and recover quicker.
2. Educate yourself on eating disorders
The biggest complaint I hear from my teenage clients is, “My dad doesn’t get it”; “He doesn’t understand eating disorders”, “he thinks I’m just doing it for attention”. It is so hard to help a child when half of their parenting system does not understand that eating disorders are brain based illnesses and not a choice or a phase. We would only be so lucky to have eating disorders be a phase or a choice, because then we could much more easily get rid of them. Unfortunately, there are many misconceptions about eating disorders in our society and there is a lack of education. They are portrayed in the media as only happening to a small handful of very thin, pale, sick girls, when in reality they affect children of all ages, genders, sizes and races. In media, they are often portrayed as something that does not affect your life all that much and that does not have long term or health risks and effects. We know that eating disorders affect physical health as much as mental and can have lasting physical consequences when left untreated, including death. Eating disorder treatment works best when parents understand the nuances of the disorder and can provider a firm, but warm and understanding stance. There are many great books on eating disorders for parents! Some are linked on my resource page HERE. Also blogs like this one or FEAST have great resources for parents. Schedule a free consultation call.
Talk to other parents! You will be shocked how many connections you already have to families who have dealt with a childhood eating disorder. They are so common, but we as a society are afraid of the shame that has surrounded eating disorders, so we don’t talk about it. I hear parents all the time who say “I was telling my coworker and it turns out they have been through the same thing” or “my neighbor actually told me they have dealt with this with their child”. Unfortunately, the stigma and silence won’t change unless we change it. So go out there and talk to your friends and family and educate them on eating disorders and find a support system for yourself. Eating disorder treatment can be extremely hard on families and you will need your own support to get through it.
3. Stand Up to Diet Culture in your Home
One of the biggest challenges I see families facing when starting eating disorder treatment is shifting from a diet focused and diet culture influenced household and lifestyle. Diet culture in the home perpetuates the eating disorder and makes recovery almost impossible. As a father, it is important you examine your own relationship with dieting, exercising, weight loss and body image and explore how it could affect your children. It is important you lead by example so that others in your family can follow your lead into a recovery focused and food freedom lifestyle. To explain diet culture would take many blog posts, but again there are great resources out there such as Anti-Diet linked on my resources page, HERE. Basically, diet culture in the home affects the foods we buy, the restaurants you choose, how you talk about food and bodies and many more things. The way diet culture seeps into your language and actions can impact how your child with an eating disorders sees themselves and how they feel about restoring weight. Weight gain is extremely hard for an adolescent with an eating disorder and it is 100 times more difficult, if they think their family will judge them for their weight gain or their family doesn’t support them gaining weight in order to recover.
If you are feeling yourself cringe when your dietician tells you to serve your daughter ice cream every night or you are feeling worried or concerned when you hear your child’s goal weight, diet culture might be affecting you. Diet culture and the idealization of thin bodies in our society impacts all of us to some degree. The more unexamined it’s impact is, the more harmful. Recovery from an eating disorder means being OK with all foods, not seeing foods as good or bad, but all foods as neutral. Recovery from an eating disorder means giving up the ideal of a thin, perfect body being the only way to be accepted or beautiful. Recovery from an eating disorder means being able to take rest days from working out and moving your body with enjoyment, not just to burn calories. Recovery means being able to go out to eat with friends without stressing over what to order and how many calories it contains, or without feeling guilt and shame.
If you are worried diet culture or society is impacting you and your child’s recovery or eating disorder treatment, please reach out to me for a free consultation. I love to help families on their journey to become empowered parents and take a stand against diet culture and against eating disorders. Schedule a free consultation call.